Relational Tidbits for the Revolution

by Mike Chong Perkinson

Ministry comes at us at hundred miles an hour with no give or grace or willingness to stop when we need a breather. It is easy for us to find ourselves swallowed by the machinery and demands of ministry and thrown into the vast wasteland of pastoral burnout. In my simple way of processing life and ministry, I have often wondered why that is for pastors and why it was for me.

One of the things I have come to believe is that 95% of all ministry issues fall into the landscape of personal. In other words, there is so much of what we do that is motivated by personal need, insecurity, guilt, and fear. There have been times in my ministry life that I have found myself not being able to say “no” to someone because of guilt and insecurity. There have also been times I have said “yes” because of a need to be needed and affirmed as a pastor. I have found myself wrestling with people’s suggestions because I interpreted them as a personal assault to my authority, ability and leadership. Rather than hearing their heart, I took up the offense and then proceeded to dismantle the theology and philosophy of the person, wounding them as I defended my wounded honor.

Is it possible that at the basis of most of our internal and relational conflict is this tension of taking up the offense and making it personal? Is it possible that most of our struggles are personal or relational? We then argue this out in the ring of theology or philosophy of ministry, with little success in reconciling the differences. Relationships break, the name of Jesus is marred in our faith community and neighborhood as we try to move on and proclaim a reconciling and loving God while we are not able to do the same with His people.

When we take things personally we make life about us. We seek to prove our position, defend our actions and demonstrate our rightness. When we make it personal we are choosing to take up an offense, to take what was stated, not stated, done or not done and make it more about us rather than about His Kingdom and His people.

But what do we do if it really is personal on the part of the other person? Well, first of all it takes two to fight and so if you are being summoned into the ring to square off, one of the greatest ways to stop a fight is not get in the ring. It’s like marriage, it only takes one spouse to stop the fight but it always takes two to fight.

Let me explain, if someone is personally hurt by you and they come to you to vent a concern about the church, your leadership style, theology, etc., then the wise and mature leader would hear the heart of the other more than the words they are conveying and choose to not take up the offense. It is good to remember that people tend to project their personal issues on theological or ministerial concerns. One of the clearest signs that you are dealing with a personal issue is when a person attacks your motives. The best we can do as human beings is assess the behavior of the other. Motive or heart is the place where the Holy Spirit deals with us. When someone attacks your motives, the first reaction is to defend it which only solidifies their suspicion about you. Rather than defend simply ask them why they would say that about you.
Keep in mind that you are dealing with people and not machines. People are quite able to think and process information, but when a personal offense is involved the processing becomes far less cerebral and far more personal. No matter how well you articulate the issue or defend your position, if the other person is hurt there will not be resolve on the matter.

I know of a man who left a church over a rather intense theological matter. The individual was an elder and on the board of this particular church. During one of the bible studies he attended for the eldership, he noticed a theological view of scripture that came to surface that was not in agreement with his. He approached the pastor, who is some 30 years younger than the gentleman, to discuss the issue. In their conversation, the theological matter gave way to what became, at least it was rather apparent to me, a personal matter. The issue of respect came up and the younger pastor did not feel the elder’s respect. In turn, the elder was rather shocked to be treated in such a way that diminished his personhood and dignity; after all he was an elder and older. The individual eventually resigned his position from the board and as an elder and left the church. As I read the letter of resignation that explained his reasoning for leaving the church what was most dominant was not the theological issue, although significant, but the personal one. The language of the letter was official, but it contained far more words of personal hurt than did it theological disagreement.

Let me take a moment and provide for you some practical application steps to consider as you live as a peacemaker amongst the people of God (Matthew 5:9, we are most like God when we are making peace).

• Listen to your heart to see if there is hurt or reaction in you that is personal.
• If so, repent and choose to not take up the offense even if the person is being rude. Out-love them.
• Listen to their heart for any area of pain and ask, “Have I disappointed or hurt you in any way?” or “It sounds like you are disappointed or hurt by me, can you tell me how I have done this?”

Here are a few helpful phrases I have utilized to help us move into what the person is really saying, while it facilitates communication and Kingdom unity:

• I’m so glad you came and took the time to talk to me about this.
• One of the greatest aspects of Kingdom living is brothers/sisters dealing honestly and unifying around the stuff that matters.
• Your tone seems angry, are you ok? Did I do something that made you angry?
• You keep referring to stuff I’m doing or not doing, can you help me understand what you are saying?
• What would you like to see happen? Different?
• How would you feel if I was not able to do what you are asking?
• You’ve made mention of my motives, help me understand the action you are talking about that makes you feel that my motive is what you say it is?

I pray we find ourselves released from those things that would lead to spiritual death and division in the body of Christ. May our hearts be enlarged to see the parameters of the Kingdom as God sees them; to pursue righteousness with a zeal that expresses inclusion and not exclusion to those of different persuasions or opinions; and an openness to consider the possibility that personal matters sometimes become more important than those of the Kingdom. May we all be so daring! So real! So holy!